Last Updated on 10/01/2024
Falling in love with someone’s potential can feel promising, but it’s also one of the biggest traps in love. We often get swept up by the idea of who someone could be, imagining all the ways they can show up for us, being that one perfect partner we always dreamed of.
But here’s the hook—what happens when that potential never materializes? What if, after years of waiting, your partner remains exactly as they are today?
Loving someone for who they might be is a gamble, and more often than not, it leaves us feeling disappointed, frustrated, and stuck in a relationship that isn’t meeting our needs.
When we fall for potential, we place our happiness in the unknown.
Instead of being content and fulfilled by our partner as they are, we start building our hopes and dreams around who they could be.
The reality?
For a healthy and lasting relationship, we need to love and accept someone for who they are right now—not for the version of themselves we wish to see in the future. Otherwise, we risk setting ourselves up for failure, endless compromise, and emotional heartache.
Falling in Love with Who Someone Could Be
It’s common to see someone’s charm and become captivated by what more they could become. But there’s a danger in investing emotionally in that idolized version of them.
When we fall in love with potential, we may overlook the ”red flags”, traits that aren’t in line with what we truly want. If you’ve ever said, “They’re great….. but.. if only they could change this one thing…” then you’re familiar with this dilemma.
For a healthy relationship, it’s essential to love and accept your partner for who they are in the present moment.
Healthy relationships don’t involve us to look at our partner as a project or a fixer-upper.
If you find yourself constantly hoping for them to change into who you want them to be, you might end up disappointed when they don’t meet your expectations.
This mindset also can lead to settling for less than what you truly desire in a partner.
The Loneliness Factor: Why We Settle
For singles, especially those who have experienced long periods without a relationship, falling in love with potential can seem appealing. It’s easy to feel like you’ve been waiting forever for the “right one,” and as time goes on, hope may fade. When loneliness sets in, it becomes tempting to settle for someone who seems close enough to your dream partner, with just a few flaws you think they’ll eventually change.
Social media doesn’t make this any easier.
Everywhere you look, couples seem so blissful, making your single status feel even more isolating. But it’s crucial to stay focused on what you genuinely want in a relationship, rather than rushing into something that won’t fulfill you in the long run. Immediate gratification might seem tempting, but it’s worth waiting for the whole “plate” of your ideal partner rather than settling for a few crumbs.
The Myth of “I Can Change Them”
A common trap is the belief that if you just love your partner enough, or try hard enough, they’ll eventually change. You might think, “Once we get married, they’ll finally be the person I need them to be,” or “Once we have kids, they’ll change.” However, change rarely happens under these circumstances. Instead, waiting for your partner to transform can lead to years of frustration and emotional exhaustion.
Many people end up in relationships where they’re constantly waiting for their partner to “grow into” the perfect version of themselves.
They convince themselves that, eventually, their partner will change if they’re patient enough.
But that change often doesn’t come, leaving them stuck in a relationship that’s less than they deserve.
Even worse, they might start resenting their partner for not living up to their expectations, which can lead to conflict, dissatisfaction, or even separation.
The Rollercoaster Ride of Falling for Potential
Being in a relationship where you’re waiting for your partner to reach their potential often feels like an emotional rollercoaster.
One day, things seem perfect and you’re so close to getting your dream person… The next day, reality hits, and you’re faced with the fact that they’re not there yet—and may never be.
These ups and downs can create tension and conflict. You may find yourself feeling resentful, thinking, “If only they would change, everything would be so much better.”
Meanwhile, your partner may feel pressured or inadequate, knowing they’re not meeting your expectations.
This dynamic can last for years, especially in relationships where both partners are committed to staying together for the sake of being in a relationship, rather than genuinely accepting each other as they are.
Co-Dependency and Emotional Attachments
When you’re more in love with the idea of a ”relationship” than with your partner, it can create a form of co-dependency.
You may cling to the relationship because it fills a void, not because it’s truly fulfilling.
The longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave, even when you’re not happy.
This is especially true if you’ve been together for a long time and have invested a lot of time and energy into hoping for change.
Co-dependency often stems from deeper emotional wounds, such as feeling unworthy of love or having experienced neglect or abandonment in childhood.
If you’ve never felt fully loved or accepted as a child, it’s easy to latch onto an adult relationship, hoping it will finally bring the love and validation you crave most.
However, when you place your happiness in someone else’s hands, you lose total control over your own emotional well-being.
It’s Not Love, It’s Trauma
At its core, falling for potential often comes from a place of hope and optimism. We want to believe in the best possible outcome for ourselves and our relationships. It’s natural to want to hold onto the idea that things can get better.
However, this hope can become damaging if it blinds us to the reality of our situation. When we romanticize a person or a relationship, we ignore the ”red flags” and focus only on what it could be.
People who have experienced emotional neglect or trauma may be particularly prone to falling for potential. If you’ve never felt fully loved or appreciated, it’s easy to idealize a relationship and expect it to fill a void. But depending on someone else to meet your emotional needs is risky and often leads to disappointment.
How to Avoid Falling for Potential
The key to avoiding the trap of falling for potential is mindset. Shift your focus from trying to shape someone else into your ideal partner to appreciating them for who they are right now.
Instead of hoping they’ll change, ask yourself if you can truly be happy with them as they are today. If the answer is no, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
It’s also important to work on yourself. Before entering into a relationship, make sure you’ve addressed any emotional baggage or past wounds that might lead you to settle for less than you deserve.
Healing past traumas and developing a sense of self-worth will help you avoid the temptation to seek validation from a partner.
The Importance of Self-Acceptance
One of the most vital steps in building a healthy relationship is learning to accept and love yourself, right now with flaws and all.
When you are comfortable with who you are, you’re less likely to seek out relationships for acceptance and validation. You’ll be more confident in recognizing what you need and in that way you won’t settle for anything less than you deserve.
This self-awareness extends to your relationship, too.
By learning to love and appreciate your partner for who they are right now, you can build a stronger connection. If they change and grow over time for the better, that’s wonderful—but it shouldn’t be the expectation or the reason you stay in the relationship.
Embracing the Present, Not the Potential
At the end of the day, only you know what’s best for your relationship. There are always exceptions, and sometimes people do change for the better.
But betting your emotional happiness on the hope that someone will become the partner of your dreams is a risky game.
Instead of waiting for someone to change, focus on building a relationship that fulfills you right now. After all, you deserve to be loved and appreciated for who you are today—and so does your partner.
