Last Updated on 10/01/2024
The Validation Trap
Validation. It’s something we all crave. From the time we’re young, we look to others for approval. We want to be liked, accepted, and appreciated.
But here’s the catch—constantly seeking validation from outside sources can become a dangerous cycle, one that leaves us feeling empty and reliant on others for our sense of self-worth.
It feels good to get approval, but what happens when it stops?
Will you still feel confident in who you are, or will you feel lost without it?
Falling into the validation trap can be harmful, and understanding why we seek approval is the first step to breaking free.
Why Do We Seek Validation from Others?
Our need for external validation often starts in childhood. Children thrive on affirmation and love, and when they don’t receive the right type of emotional security, they start to look for it wherever they can receive it.
Relying on others for validation stems from not receiving affirmations in ways that resonated with us when we were younger. Whether you came from a broken home or a well-structured one, not getting the specific kind of love you needed can cause insecurity.
It’s not always about material support or presence—sometimes, it’s about emotional warmth and understanding. Without it, you grow up with a void, and as an adult, and you’ll try to fill that void by seeking approval from others.
Childhood Experiences Shape Our Need for Validation
Imagine two children growing up in the same household. One child may be completely unbothered when a parent is too busy to play, while the other child feels rejected and hurt.
That hurt can be internalized as a reflection of their worth. It’s not always about the environment you were in but more so how your emotional needs were or weren’t met.
Even children from homes that seem loving and supportive on the outside can struggle with self-worth and self-esteem.
It’s about whether your individual emotional needs were acknowledged and met. If they weren’t, you’ll grow up looking for others to fill that gap, always chasing the approval you never once received.
External Validation Is Fleeting
Seeking approval feels great in the moment.
A compliment, a like on social media, or praise from a friend can give you an instant dopamine boost. But that happiness is fleeting.
It’s like trying to fill a cup with no bottom—no matter how much you pour in, it’s never enough.
Why? Because external validation is like slapping a band-aid on a deep wound. If your self-worth wasn’t built during childhood, you enter adulthood with an “empty love tank”.
You’ll try to fill it, by looking to others, but since the original void still remains, the happiness you feel from validation is always short-lived and fleeting…
True self-worth has to come from within, external approval will never be enough to heal the deep wounds left behind by past neglect or feelings of rejection.
When Validation Becomes an Obsession
At first, seeking validation feels harmless.
It’s human nature to want approval. But what happens when it becomes an obsession?
When you start relying on others to make you feel good, it can become an obsession. You might start changing your behavior, compromising your values, or even hurting yourself and others just to get the attention and validation you crave…
Like any addiction, the more you get, the more you need.
You can tell it’s becoming a problem when you feel anxious or upset if you don’t receive praise or recognition. It’s a slippery slope that can lead to unhealthy behaviors and toxic relationships.
Negative Cycles of External Validation
When we rely on others to validate us, we never learn to trust our own judgment. Our opinions of ourselves becomes entirely dependent on what others think, which can lead to unhealthy cycles.
One minute, you feel great because someone complimented you, and the next, you’re devastated because someone else criticized you or doesn’t like you.
Here’s the thing: when you give people the power to build you up, you also give them the power to tear you down.
And often, the people whose opinions matter the least end up having the most control over our self-esteem.
Strangers, casual acquaintances, or even people who don’t have your best interests at heart can suddenly become the ones dictating how you should feel about yourself.
Breaking Free from the Validation Trap
So, how do you stop seeking validation from others? How do you finally start building your self-worth from within?
The first step is recognizing that your past does not define your future. Yes, you may have experienced emotional neglect or rejection in the past, but you have the power to change your story.
It starts with understanding that the only opinion that truly matters is your own.
This is easier said than done, especially if you’ve spent your whole life seeking approval from others. But the truth is, people’s opinions are fickle.
One day they’re hot and next day they’re cold…
And the reality is… friends can disappear, relationships can end, and people can change their minds.
The only person who will always be with you is you—so learning to validate yourself is the key to lasting happiness.
How to Build Self-Love
Building internal validation takes time, but it’s worth the effort. Start by shifting your mindset. Instead of looking to others for approval, start asking yourself:
What do ”I” think of me?
What makes me proud to be who ”I” am?
What do I value about myself?
Here are some steps to start building your self-worth from within:
- Practice Self-Reflection: Spend time thinking about what makes you feel good about yourself, outside of other people’s opinions.
- Set Personal Goals: Focus on achieving goals that make you proud, not goals that will impress others.
- Surround Yourself with Positivity: Spend time with people who lift you up and remind you of your worth, but remember to rely on yourself for ultimate validation.
- Embrace Self-Love: No one is perfect, and seeking perfection is a trap in itself. Learn to embrace self-love by accept yourself fully, flaws and all!
Take Your Power Back!
In the end, constantly seeking validation from others is a trap that leaves you feeling empty and unsatisfied.
True self-worth comes from within, and the only validation that truly matters is the one you give yourself.
By breaking free from the cycle of external validation, you can take control of your happiness and finally feel secure in who you are, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Let go of the need for approval and start validating yourself—you’ll find that true happiness and fulfillment were within you all along.
