A person who is a people pleaser will find it challenging to say no to others in fear of rejection or disapproval of those close them.
In a way they feel forced to do things sometimes, just to make the people in their life happy?
People pleasers rely on the approval and acceptance of others to feel loved and to feel good about themsleves.
They bend over backward to do what makes others happy even if that means sacrificing their own needs and happiness.
A lot of the times they end up feeling hate and resentment not only towards others that demand of them but towards themselves for not being able to stand up for themselves.
It is a healthy trait to want to be able to give to others. To be a source of happiness for others.
It can easily become unhealthy when we start to sacrifice our own happiness for the love and approval of another.
Why it is hard for a people pleaser to say no?
People pleasing tendencies tend to steam from childhood. Maybe you always had to walk around eggshells with strict, difficult, or toxic parents.
Your childhood environment might not have been safe enough for you to have your own opinions or to be yourself.
Maybe to bear with a difficult childhood you always said yes to not get rejected by the people around you or even that you had to grow up quick to be the caretaker of your family members?
I am here to help you find the power within you to find a healthy balance.
You can go about living the way you have been living without making the proper healthy changes, but the results could be dire and catastrophic.
All that built-up tension and resentment is like a volcano waiting to erupt, and when it does there will be irreparable damages to you and the people around you.
I have seen people go to the point of no return and just go numb towards life. They have been so burned that they become numb to others and themselves.
Once you get to this point you have chosen not to let anyone walk all over you anymore, but you have also become so numb that you won’t be able to feel happiness or any other emotions.
Fear not there’s a solution, but ultimately the choice is yours to make.
Also, understand that being able to say no to something or someone from time to time does not make you a selfish person or a bad person. It is the practicing of self-care and self-love.
I know that to some that are a foreign concept, especially if you did not grow up in a loving and supportive environment.
Keep in mind that who and where you are now is not the person you once had to be in the past you have options, but only if you are willing to be open minded.
We don’t have the power to change people’s actions and opinions, but you do have the power within you to change what you will and will not accept from people.
Setting boundaries is a key step for the people pleaser
Learning to set boundaries in your relationships is the vital key to having inner peace and happiness.
Let go of the fear of being alone and lonely if you start saying no to people.
Not everyone will leave your life for setting healthy boundaries (you might even gain the utmost respect of some).
The ones that do leave remember that they have just shown you their true nature and have proven their loyalty to you or should I say lack of it.
How to overcome the people please mentality:
Personal boundaries are limits and or guidelines to what you will or will not accept in the form of treatment from others.
It is where you draw the line to say no, I will not accept that kind of treatment or behavior from you or yes, your actions and behaviors are acceptable to me.
Remember that in society, we teach people how to treat us. Healthy boundaries let others know how we would like to be treated.
Note: It helps if you get a piece of paper and write down whatever comes to mind when you read these questions.
1. Stay true to yourself and your core values
Example: Honesty is important to me. If those close to me are dishonest and continue to display such character traits, I feel that I have the right to remove them from my life.
Because their core values do not match my own core values. I also do not feel comfortable having to lie in situations for my friends as well.
Respect is another core value I have as well. I do not let the people I love or care about talk to me or disrespectfully treat me just because I love them.
Love is a two-way street. To love is to honor and respect one another.
Once I feel disrespected, I will address the person and treat the relationship accordingly to how they react after I have confronted the situation.
2. What have you allowed before, but wish you didn’t?
How did those things make you feel after you allow them to happen?
Know that it is your right to be able to say no in any given situation that you know will make you unhappy or feel uncomfortable.
I understand and know that one of the hardest things about saying NO is the guilt.
The guilt can really eat at you but understand that every time you say yes to something or someone when you do not want to, is every time you say no to yourself.
Not only do you say no to yourself, but you also tell the other party that your feelings do not matter and that what you truly want does not matter either.
3. Set different boundaries accordingly to the different areas of your life
On a piece of paper, write down different boundaries that you would like to start implementing.
Family: Yes, this is the group that is dearest to you. You love them and I am sure they know this as well.
How else can you love them without taking too much away from yourself?
Friends: Friends make life more enjoyable and fun. Sometimes our friends don’t know how we really feel inside.
If there are times when they might expect more than you can give, how can you speak up for yourself?
Relationships: Setting boundaries with partners are especially important because it helps build honesty and respect within the the relationship. Only in a relationship with honesty and respect can love thrive.
Communicating boundaries with your partner will ask you to show some vulnerability, how do you feel about being vulnerable with your partner and are you willing to stand firm if they don’t have the same beliefs as yours?
Work: Do you agree with what is expected of you at your work place? Do you believe that you are being treated fairly? If not, what should change and how can you communicate that to management?
4. Learning to say NO
I know that this is a very simple two-letter word but one that is so hard to say out loud to your friends and family members.
Just because you say no to someone’s request when you really do not want to do it does not mean you love or care about them any less.
It also does not automatically make you a bad person either.
You can justify saying no because you respect and love yourself enough too and that the other person deserves that much honesty as well.
Putting your self-love and worth first does not make you selfish if that means not being a constant people pleaser to others.
Stand your ground. Once you say No stick to your decision.
Nothing is worse than saying no in the beginning but then changing your answer to yes later.
Not only will you lose self-respect, but it also opens the door for the other person to try to get what they want every time you want to say no again because they know you will falter.
5. Write in a journal
Write in a journal your feelings and emotions while on your journey to healing as a people pleaser.
What boundaries do you want to set and how it was like setting them with the people around you?
How did it feel? What changes would you like to make in your life with boundaries?
Things that you agreed to but did not like, and what you would like to implement to change the future outcome?
Nothing is set in stone. Let’s say you start with your top 5 boundaries that you will not cross.
After some time do some self-reflection as you might want to add more or critique the ones you have.
In life, we are always changing and growing, making constant lifestyle changes according to the life we wish to live, the one that will make you happy.
In life we are always growing and learning.
If you don’t get everything right the first try it’s okay.
When we try to make any kind of changes to our lives it’s scary and daunting. This is your journey, which means you make the rules.