Do you dive in relationships whole heartily only to be hurt in love time and time again?
Relationships and dating can be very frustrating, especially if you been through many failed relationships filled with pain and disappointments.
Cycles of disappointment make us feel defeated. During trying time like this we just want to give up on love altogether.
You meet someone who seems like a good fit, but then good turns to bad very quickly, and not long after, it becomes a roller coaster ride of ups and downs that you unintentionally signed up for.
The patterns of these relationships are always the same. It is a constant struggle of push and pull. Braking up then getting back together.
How can you tell if someone is ready for love?
Unfortunately, there is no simple answer to this question.
Each person is different. The experiences they have gone through, throughout their lives makeup who they are today.
To tell how people feel about love and relationships, it’s all about the mindset and how emotionally mature they are.
7 Red flags for protecting yourself in love:
1. What is the mindset they use to deal with their problems?
When problems occur, can they take a step back and see what went wrong and or how maybe some of their actions could have contributed to causing the problem?
Emotionally immature people have a hard time with accountability.
They constantly make excuses for themselves and say that it was always someone or something else’s fault.
They are the true ”victims” here, and everyone should be kind to them. While it is true, some problems (a very minimal percentage) are out of our control, many are due to our own unaccounted for, actions and behaviors.
You’re running late for work; you quickly wake up brush your teeth. Shortly after you change your clothes for work but there are no more clean clothes, so now you have to wear old dirty clothes that have been crumpled on the floor, it’s wrinkled and smells a little bit, but you have no other options.
You get ready to bolt out the door but wait, you can’t find your keys. So, you run around back and forth like a crazy person flipping things and throwing stuff around to see where your keys are. At last, you found them in the old pants you were wearing yesterday.
You are finally off to work, you count down the clock as you know you will be ten minutes late. You try to rationalize those ten minutes is not so bad, no one will notice.
Halfway down the highway, you hit traffic, there’s been a bad car accident. The cars are bumper to bumper. You start to scream and shout in the car as if it would move the traffic any quicker. What should have ended up only being ten minutes late today turned into 45 minutes.
You arrive at work before you even get to your desk your boss calls you into their office. You roll your eyes and think to yourself ‘’oh great! I had a bad morning and now I’ve been sent to the ‘’principal’s office’’.
The manager proceeds to tell you that you are fired because this is the third time you have been late. You try to plead that you will do better and that you need this job because your bills depend on it.
The manager is not trying to hear your side of the story. They tell you to gather your things and leave. Before you go you give him a piece of your mind and slam the office door behind you. You mumble to yourself ‘’who needs this lame job anyways…’’.
How would you react in this situation if it was real life? would you have reacted the same way after being told to leave?
Who is to blame for you being fired, and do you believe you should be given another chance?
How could this situation be different? What could have been done differently to not get fired?
2. They do not have many healthy relationships in their life.
This does not mean they have to be extroverted or popular everywhere they go. You are trying to see if they have been able to build positive and healthy relationships in their personal life.
People like to hang around other people with similar beliefs, interests, and hobbies.
If you find that their close circle is full of drama and a little chaotic, chances are they might not have a problem with living the same lifestyle.
If they do not understand the fundamentals or importance of building healthy relationships in their lives, they will not have these building blocks to be able to use in their love relationships.
3. They do not respect your boundaries.
If you tell them that you don’t like to be treated a certain way or how certain actions hurt you and they still make no efforts to be more empathetic or understanding about your pain, they are not emotionally mature enough to build a healthy relationship with you.
Relationships are not about completely sacrificing who you are for another person, but what if you knew certain behaviors could potentially hurt someone you care about, shouldn’t we try to examine some of those behaviors?
You are dating someone who is so much fun to be around and the chemistry is off the roof. The problem is they never call or text you consistently. When you run into a bad day, you just want to hear their voice. They do not answer the phone or your texts. You don’t hear from them until the next day or a couple of days later.
When you finally get a hold of them, they try to explain that work is always so busy and they don’t even have a decent break time with the long hours that they work. You tell them that you feel ignored when you don’t hear from them until the next day or a couple of days later. They explain that they work long hours at a very busy and completive workplace.
The next day, a similar scenario. You were coming home from work and your tire blew out. You have no idea what to do, it’s dark out and you are stuck on the side of the road. In a panic, you call them. No answer, no text.
After five unanswered calls and a bunch of texts to them, you called another friend to help you, they called roadside assistance for you, and after a long night, you finally make it home.
Still no reply from them. The next morning you walk up, and you see a short text, ‘’ is everything okay, and is your tire is fixed?
Should you be understanding their side of the story? After all, they are a great person to hang around, fun, good-looking, and is financially stable. They just never pick up when you need them.
If you are a person that is seeking full-time companionship, how would a situation like this affect you? Is this a deal-breaker.
4. They apologize but do not change.
This is a tricky one. Some people will apologize and change, but only temporarily. They will be on their best behavior, and before you know it boom! they go back to the same old behaviors.
Others will apologize, even beg for forgiveness if they have to, but as quickly as the apology came out of their mouth is as quickly as they’ll resort back to the same unhealthy behaviors time and time again.
5. They don’t respect you in private or in public.
They put you down, call you degrading and demeaning names, and have no problems humiliating you in front of others. They always tell you that they were just joking, but their jokes are usually at the expense of you. In my opinion, a joke is only a joke if everyone involved can laugh, otherwise, it’s just hurtful.
You go out to dinner with your date. While looking at the menu you see an interesting dish you would like to try, you are ready to order. The waiter comes to your table, your date orders first. Your date tells the waiter their order than without asking you proceeds to order the same thing for you. Your date grabs the menu out of your hand and hands them both to the waiter.
You think it’s strange but maybe they want you to try this dish because it might be their favorite.
In a previous conversation, you have told them that do not to drink wine or alcohol because of your personal beliefs. During the dinner, they order a red wine for you both to enjoy with your dinner. By this time, you are shocked. You kindly remind them that you don’t drink. They get upset that you rejected their kind gesture and tell you to ‘’relax and live a little. A little red wine won’t hurt anybody’’. You were strong but kind in your convictions.
The waiter makes his way back to your table they see that your wine hasn’t been touched, the waiter asks if the wine is to your liking? Before you could even reply your date jumps out with a statement ‘’Nah they are too chicken to live a little, this one is wound tight’’. The waiter feels award but gives your date a slight smile as they ask if there is anything else they can serve you with, as the waiter walks away your date is still laughing at their own ‘’joke’’.
At this point, you are frozen in shock at how the whole night is progressing and you tell your date you are ready to go home. Not being able to read the situation they tell you that they will take you home when they are done eating and ready to leave.
You don’t know what to do at this point since you didn’t take your car or any money. You stay quiet for the rest of the date. They ask you ‘’are you not having a good time? I am paying good money for this date you can at least show me some appreciation!’’ The other dining guest starts to stare at you while you cringe and shrink into your shell.
Have you ever been in a situation where a date is humiliating in front of others or even in private?
If a friend told you a story of their date similar to this, what would you advise them?
6. They resort to drama if they don’t get their way.
You will know and understand these tantrums as yelling/ screaming, physical violence (to others or themselves), emotional blackmail, irresponsible spending of shared finances, silent treatment (stonewalling), etc..
7. The last clue and the most obvious sign of them all, they have commitment issues.
They always seem to change the subject when you ask them where the relationship is heading, they make excuses that they have been hurt before, they believe in freedom from ‘’society’s labels’’ so they don’t want to label the relationship because you can’t put a label on ‘’love’’ and the list goes on and on.
You have been dating for a couple of months now. You are excited to finally be in a committed relationship. Finally, you find someone that is good-looking, funny and has their life together.
They ask if you would like to join them at a family party, you are excited to meet their family and agree to go.
The day of the party comes around, now you’re at the party, they introduce you to their family and friends as ‘’ this is my friend so and so…’’. In total shock, you pull them aside and ask, ‘’friend’’? We have been dating for three months, the whole time I was a friend to you.
They tell you ‘’I thought we were just hanging out? I didn’t think you thought this was a thing. You screamed out ‘’a thing?!’’ We hang out every day if we are not together, we talk or text on the phone all day, what did you think this was?! They tell you ‘’ Hey, you’re cool. Can we just keep things as they are? What are labels anyways?’’.
What would you do if something like this happened to you in real life?
What could have been done differently if you were in this same situation?
A healthy and mature relationship is where both people strive for the stay things in their relationship…
If you are always left feeling confused about where the relationship stands and or if they care about you or not, then you are dealing with an emotionally immature person.
Mature people are clear on what they want in a relationship, what they need from you, and what you can expect from them.
In relationships and life, a good mindset to go about things is to realize that you are in control of your happiness. This is a precious gift to have, the freedom to choose different options for yourself that will bring you happiness and contentment.
Freedom comes responsibilities
Responsibilities is a scary word because the actions, beliefs, and choices rest in your own hands.
Think of it this way, if you take control of the wheel, you will always know where you are going, if you let some else take the wheel you will be at the mercy of where they want to go.
If you are repeatedly choosing partners who hurt, you or break your heart that might be something to look at. There is a pattern here, to break that cycle you need to see how it was created in the first place.
Relationships consist of two individuals. It can be easy to see the faults in others first, but to build healthy relationships we must also examine ourselves and our behaviors within them.