The term trauma-bonding is getting more thrown around when people are describing toxic relationships or what they see as a ”red flag” relationships.
Most people believe that trauma-bonding means that two people can easily connect to or attract each other because of ”similar” shared past traumas.
But what does trauma-bonding actually mean?
The closer definition of trauma-bonding is when a victim of abuse gets overly attached and codependent to their abuser in the relationship.
This type of over-attachment can become very unhealthy and even dangerous as the person receiving the abuse feels as though they are deeply connected to their abuser and can only depend on their abuser and the unhealthy relationship for survival.
As you can understand this type of relationship is highly dysfunctional and unhealthy for everyone involved.
The limits do not just stop at love relationships, trauma bonding relationships can stem from any kind of relationship owe can have with another person be it family relationships or friendships.
Abuse can have many different faces
The three major categories are emotional abuse, physical abuse, and mental abuse.
Not all abusive relationships are apparent as with those that involve physical abuse.
Some abuse cannot be detected or determined just by looking at someone.
You will also be surprised to know that many abusers or people who bully their partners are actually very charming and charismatic in social settings.
Things are not always as they seem in a Trauma-bond relationship
On the outside, an abuser might be an outstanding community leader in their neighborhood, someone who is looked at as a role model or an outstanding citizen.
A highly popular individual, the life of the party.
Just as the opposite. A person who is being abused in their relationship might seem like they have the perfect relationship, on the outside you might think that they are happy and well taken care of in all aspects of their life.
Not everything in life could be understood with just the naked eye alone…Anna Rose
If you have been abused in any way as a child just know that you might be susceptible to future trauma-bonding relationships if you have not healed past wounds.
People often question why they always end up hurt or in the same kinds of damaging relationships.
Many times, it’s not really our fault.
How would you know where the problem lies if you first don’t know what the problem is?
If you are sick of being in love with the wrong people, sick of fake friendships, and or tired of draining toxic family members then keep reading as these 5 tips can help you figure out where the problem might lie.
1. The Avoidant and The Anxious
This is the dynamic duo in many trauma-bonding relationships.
We have one person who is emotionally unavailable, afraid of being vulnerable, and or emotionally immature.
While the other person in the relationship tends to be maybe a little too emotional at times leaving them to be seen as too sensitive, emotionally codependent, needy/clingy and scared to be alone/single.
As we can see both partners will have difficulties with their own insecurities inherited from past wounds/trauma.
2. Love bombing
Love bombing is not just for the more dominate partner toward the more submissive partner.
Either partner can love bomb, switching roles between each other during the different stages of the relationship.
Although, the love bombing mechanism is easier to detect in the first initial stages of the relationship.
We see the relationship progress very fast and within days of knowing each other both partners can already feel as though they are deeply in love and have found ‘’the one’’.
Everything about their partner is absolutely perfect and anyone who tries to interfere with this belief is ‘’an enemy’’ of their ‘’perfect’’ love.
3. Manipulation is part of the relationship dynamic
Manipulation has two faces, but it’s one true intent is to get the manipulator the results they desire.
The first face of manipulation is the one that is commonly known for being made up of a winner/loser system.
The manipulator will say or do anything to get what they want knowing that their actions could very well potentially hurt/harm the other person.
The second face of manipulation seems harmless, just like a little ‘’white lie’’ it is not intended to hurt anyone but still has a bit of deceit that lies within the motive.
4. You don’t feel safe within the relationship
It is a rollercoaster ride of intense feelings of passion/love or intense drama/fighting.
One moment you feel as though you’re in the highs of love and in a quick moment it can turn into rage, anger, and violence.
These feelings of highs and lows make you constantly feel anxious and guarded.
You are constantly jumping in between feelings of insecurity or are walking on eggshells in fear that you might trigger the other person.
If there has been any physical violence of any form within the relationship, then this is a strong indicator of an unhealthy or even toxic relationship.
***IF YOU ARE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OR ABUSE, PLEASE CALL THE 24/7 NATIONAL HOTLINE WHERE HELP IS AVAILABLE. ***
(Free and Confidential)
Text START to 88788
Chat Line @ www.thehotline.org
5. You feel trapped and can’t break free
If the relationship is toxic or unhealthy, it’s not that we aren’t aware.
Others don’t have to tell us that we deserve better or to leave the relationship, we know all of this.
The hardest part is leaving or ending the relationship that we have made apart of us.
Many people might think or have negative opinions about someone staying in a toxic relationship but it’s not easy to end things as others think.
It is not about being addicted to the abuse, it is more about our patterns of dealing and coping with the abuse that is hard to break free from.
Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they are not loved and appreciated.
If you were never taught to handle or deal with these types of life situations properly then how else are you expected to act?
Change can be hard, but suffering in unhappiness is harder
Knowing the types of relationships we are attracted to like trauma bonding can help us become more self-aware of our own behavior patterns and habits.
It is hard to know whether we are going about life the correct or incorrect way as many of us were not taught life skills or were given a guide on how to find happiness in life.
And sometimes our intuition and or emotional compass guides us off the wrong path maybe due to past childhood trauma.
It is not our fault for the mistreatment that was done to us in the past by others, but it is surely our responsibility to build and maintain a happy lifestyle that fits us.