How to Spot Insecurity in Relationships


Insecurity comes in two faces.

The first face of insecurity is the one where the person is open about their feelings of self doubt and low confidence.

The Second is where the person might not even be aware that it is insecurity that is their true source of unhappiness.

In addition to this, looking at surface level you might think they are confident and well liked. But it is their inner world that is what torments them, unknowingly.

It is crucial that you know as much as you can about who you are dating.

Nobody is likely to give you a disclaimer before you date them.

Some might not even be aware that they have certain negative traits.

It is always our own responsibility to use our due diligence and discernment.

In dating and relationships, it is always best never to overestimate or underestimate anyone.

We see people getting slapped with heartbreak all the time. Leaving them confused as they were shocked by the person their ex-lover has become.

Yes, they never saw it coming…

People find it hard to change quickly or easily unless they have been in a traumatizing or extremely provoking life experience. (For example, near-death experiences, loss of a loved one, crippling illness, etc.)

So, why is it important for you to know if your partner is insecure?

The level of insecurity the other person has will help you determine what kind of energy they are bringing into the relationship.

Furthermore, the challenges you will have to face and work through them in this relationship.

Storytime: I once had a client that met a fun, young, and attractive lady at work. They began dating.

Little did he know she had a lot of baggage carried from all of her previous failed relationships.

Yes! of course, there might have been warning signs, but as love goes, he was too smitten with her to notice the red flags.

Their dating life was a long hard road full of arguments and cheating accusations due to her insecurities and poor self-image.

She would constantly break up then make up with him, each and every time requiring him to prove himself by trying hard to win her love back.

Moral of the story: Dating people who are insecure are not for the faint of heart.

Now if we have two people dating, both with insecurity issues then that is a recipe for disaster.

The relationship will never feel stable as each partner projects on to the other their insecurities and lack of personal boundaries.

Relationships like these usually leave people feeling heartache, bitterness, and resentment.

What insecurity can look like:


Love bombing: Although, you might be flattered by all of the attention, admiration, and affection you get from them be careful.

Love bombing is a manipulation tactic to hook the target into a relationship, it is a means of distraction for you to pass all logic and reasoning and to just give in to them.

Jealousy: Here’s another one that starts out cute. You see them jealous of you talking with another person and think that it’s cute that they are so protective over you.

Cute can turn ugly really quickly once it gets out of control.

Jealousy is an emotional regulation problem.

Many violent and abusive relationships were induced by jealousy and emotional instability.

Co-dependency: If they are not in a relationship, they are not happy in life.

They heavily depend on another person to fill the emptiness within themselves.

They will want and need to be around you all the time.

Time apart from one another gives them anxiety.

On another note, they will also want you to depend only on them for love, they smother you with love and will want to take over the role of parent, lover, best friend, family member, etc.

The Controller: This one is easy to spot. At first, they will kindly suggest doing things a certain way (their way) then it turns into slight criticisms.

On the bolder side, they will show no hesitation in demanding they get their way.

If you start acting indifferent towards them, they will persuade you by telling you that they have your best interest at heart. It’s all because they love and care for you.

However nice they may seem and appear, controlling people have short tempers, are sensitive-natured, and will try to get what they want at all costs.

The Immature: Emotional manipulation is the name of the game.

This is the most insecure trait of all.

Their immaturity stems from low self-esteem and a low sense of worth.

You have to constantly prove your love to them by agreeing to unrealistic demands and expectations.

Well, what if you don’t?

That’s right!!

They will guilt trip you or use emotional manipulation to make you feel sad, bad, or angry.

Their games of making you prove your love to them only get more ridiculous and demanding as your relationship progresses.

The problem is not your love for them, the problem is that they are so overwhelmed with their own insecurities that no matter what you do it will never be good enough to fill that void in them. 

If your partner shows signs of these traits all hope is not lost. The best solution for any relationship is communication.

Having that said, communication comes in three parts, LISTENING, SPEAKING, and UNDERSTANDING.

Good communication in relationships is when partners can alternate between roles of listening and speaking while keeping an open mind for understanding.

Author: Anna Rose

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